you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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