I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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