This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Shame - the story of my life.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
