I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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