Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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