I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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