I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
