At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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