I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
