life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
