all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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