I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
