At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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