Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
