Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
