Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
