woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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