JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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