Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
