I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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