One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
