I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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