Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
