did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
