My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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