She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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