drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
