I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
