i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize