the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
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Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
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You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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