I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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