she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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