My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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