what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
