I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
