There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
