my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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