Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
