my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
