On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
