Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
