just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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