I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
