Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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