Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dignity is for republicans.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
