The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
