I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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