You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
