Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
