ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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