you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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