Your face is a jimmy john
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
