Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
