dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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