I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
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I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
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Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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