My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
