I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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