im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
