After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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