people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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