So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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