Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
