His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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