i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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