I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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