We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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