Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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