it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
